Monthly Archives: July 2016

I Shall Not Abandon Myself

Inner Pioneer?
Inner oppressor?
What is that third voice?  The one that calls.

Today is Pioneer Day in Utah and it has me thinking.

This is the day that ostracized Mormons arrived in the Salt Lake Valley and claimed the area as their new home.  They left their previous home to escape violence and oppression for their beliefs.

In my contemplative heart space this weekend, I find myself considering such a Pioneer Peru April 2014 1119within myself.  Here are my ruminations.

What are the condemning voices inside of us that suppress our ability to openly believe, and practice, and live our lives as ourselves?

There is a brave Pioneer within us, able and willing to journey toward inner freedom and settlement to discover a new place within.

I seem to be doing this in my relationship and in my work.  In my relationship, I’m determined to face the fears of my past and interact with them, and him, differently.  I’ve spent a lifetime avoiding old anxieties and misplaced responsibilities, but it seems that all of that is still inside of me.

The old patterns of withdrawing, hiding, placating, and blending in pop up all of the sudden and none of it works.  It’s suffocating.  The child who does these things has a heart and dreams that are unseen.  This chronic state has led her away from herself, as well as those she loves.  Many of us have learned that it’s not as painful when we disconnect from our feelings.

This is no way to live.

I heed the call with courage.  The call to a better life, a better way.

Disconnecting from the heart means disconnecting from the soul, from meaning, from purpose.

Life, then, becomes survival mode.  It’s fast paced and filled with constant movement.  There’s no deep breathing, no rose smelling, and no stars.

It’s not their fault.  Those who don’t see us.  They’re in survival mode too.  They, too, are unwilling to hear the calling from within.  They’ve dissociated from their pain because they don’t want to associate with it anymore.

Do we think it’s permanent?  Maybe chronic feels permanent and hopeless.  We feel helpless against the tunnel with no light.  So we retreat, and get by, and make do.

But we keep getting nudges, don’t we?  That restless Pioneer is still in there calling us, desert beautyscreaming at us, “There’s another way!  It doesn’t have to be like this!  Pack your bags,  I want to leave this place.”

If we choose to listen, the metaphorical journey begins.  We may lose site of the path along the way, or forget where we’re going, or worry if it’s right.  But eventually, we get there and a new journey, in the new place, begins.

Occasionally, we must wipe away the dust that followed us from the old place, and then we return to the present renewed and refreshed.  We keep building, experiencing, laughing, and creating.  We can honor our origins with gratitude, for it it weren’t for them, we would have never set out on this adventure.

Both relationships and work help us to see the dust that we still carry.  We can learn to do something different with it.  Is there a voice saying that this is just another version of the same pattern?  No.  This is different.

This time, I continually return to my center and withstand any storm that blows through.

I remain connected to my heart and keep my voice, even during times of high vulnerability.

I shall not abandon myself in the turbulent waters.

This time, I stay present with myself and speak from the  heart rather than the fight.  This allows me to build intimacy with anyone, including myself.

I do this for myself, for them, for my community, and for the world.

It’s about the ripples.

It’s about me.

It’s about all of us.